Easier To Run
by HELENz
Summary: Draco looks back on how he's treated people in the past with regret. How will he choose to deal with everything he's done? This is a very long oneshot to “Easier To Run” by Linkin Park. WARNING: Story contains suicide!


A/N: All flashbacks are actual incidents made to fit Draco's P.O.V. See 'footnotes' at the end for book and page numbers for each flashback, as well as some bonus knowledge!

**It's easier to run  
****Replacing this pain with something numb  
****It's so much easier to run  
****Than face all this pain here all alone**

My name is Draco Malfoy. I just graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry 2 weeks ago. I refused to become a Deatheater, so my father, Lucius, kicked me out. I didn't care though. I had quite a bit of galleons, sickles, and knuts that I had saved over my childhood from my my allowance and various times I had done household chores for neighborhood witches and wizards. I went to the Ministry of Magic and got my savings exchanged for British pounds. I found an apartment which rented by the month and required no lease contract, so I was free to leave when I wanted, which was good, because I didn't know how long I was going to stay there.

The apartment is in a primarily muggle district, so there is many restrictions on usage of magic. Actually, I'm not allowed to use magic at all – except for in emergencies. I couldn't care less. I honestly don't even want to use magic. It has caused too much trouble for me. When I first got to the apartment, I put my wand in the box it came in, and I haven't touched it since.

My apartment is a nice size, with a small living room and a balcony. I have a television in the living room that I got for very cheap. It's very small, the graphics are horrible, and I only have three stations, but it's a nice thing to watch when I have nothing to do. British comedies are hilarious. Us wizards don't give muggles enough credit, and this is coming from a guy who used to hate all muggles and everything associated with them, including muggleborns.

I grew up with someone who is highly prejudiced against muggles and muggleborns, my father. He's even more prejudiced than I used to be. 90 percent of what he used to say was making fun of muggleborns. All throughout my childhood my father taught me to hate all muggles and muggleborns. He taught me that I was superior to muggleborns because I was pureblood – I had no muggle ancestors. I first heard the foul word 'mudblood' when I was six. I used to use the word all the time. Now I can barely tolerate hearing it, let alone saying it. I don't even really like the word 'pureblood'; I just use it because I know of no other word for it.

At the end of last summer, my mother Narcissa, died due to a rare type of cancer. Now, you make ask me something along the lines of, 'She was a witch, couldn't she have done something?' The truth is 'no'. There is only so far magic can go. The rest is up to Mother Nature. It was very hard on me when my mom died. She loved me a lot. She was mostly a kind woman. She didn't subscribe to the hateful ideas my father believed in, either. The only reason she put up with everything he though, said and did was because she was in love with him. She thought he'd change. He never did. He should be in Azkaban, but this world's corrupted. For some stupid reason he's out of prison.

My mother tried to teach me to be kind to others like she was. It was kind of difficult for her to teach me her ways with my father ruling the house. She still managed to show her kindness a little bit. Sometimes, when I was younger, she and I would go to muggle coffee paces when my father was at work. She was always kind and courteous to the muggles who worked at the coffee places, and the muggles who were customers.

Two days before she died last year, my father was not at home and she and I had a heart to heart talk. She told me she wasn't happy with the path my life had taken. She wasn't happy that I was following my father's ideas of hatred and unkindness. She asked me to evaluate my life and the choices I had made. She said that she loved me very much no matter how I had lived my life. Then I left. Two days later, she died.

After she died, I took her advice and evaluated my life and the choices I had made. I realized that all my hatred, greed, anger, prejudice and meanness had gotten me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. I'm looking back and I realize my mom's way of thinking was right. I should have been different from the way I was.

Several incidents from my years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry stand out in my mind as examples of the horrible person I was then, and the horrible views on life I had gotten from my father.

**Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
****The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see  
****Wounds so deep they never show they never go away  
****Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played**

**- Flashback -  
****It was my first day at Hogwarts and I was on the train that would take me to Hogwarts. My friends from childhood, Crabbe and Goyle, and I were walking through the walkway of the train. We decided to enter a compartment.**

**"Is it true?" I said, upon entering the compartment. "They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment. So it's you, is it?"**

**"Yes," said Harry. He was looking at Crabbe and Goyle who were standing on either side of me.**

**Knowing that Harry didn't know who Crabbe and Goyle were, I said, " Oh, this is Crabbe and this is Goyle," pointing them out to Harry. "And my names Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."**

**The pale red-headed boy coughed slightly, which I think was hiding a snigger. I looked at him angrily.**

**I said, "Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."**

**I turned back to Harry, and said, "You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."**

**I held out my hand to shake Harry's, but Harry didn't take it.**

**"I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks," Harry replied coolly.**

**I remember feeling angry at that point. "I'd be careful if I were you, Potter," I said slowly. "Unless you're a bit politer, you'll go the same way as your parents. They didn't know what was good for them, either. You hang around with riffraff like the Weasleys and that Hagrid, and it'll rub off on you."**

**Both Harry and the other boy stood up.**

**"Say that again," the Weasley, who I later found out was called Ron, said. His normally pale face was now as red as his hair.**

**"Oh you're going to fight us, are you?" I sneered. Red-heads are so hot-tempered. I knew Ron couldn't really do anything. He knew very little magic at that point in time, and I don't think he was very strong. Plus, I had Goyle and Crabbe to back me up. They weren't very intelligent, but they were able fighters. I wasn't scared at all.**

**"Unless you get out now," said Harry. He looked scared.**

**"But we don't feel like leaving, do we, boys? We've eaten all our food and you still seem to have some."**

**Goyle reached toward the Chocolate Frogs next to Ron – Ron leapt forward, but before he'd so much as touched Goyle, he let out a horrible yell.**

**Some big old stupid rat was hanging off Goyle's finger, its sharp teeth sinking deep into Goyle's knuckle – Crabbe and I backed away as Goyle swung that rat round and round, howling. When that rat finally flew off and hit the window, Crabbe, Goyle and I left quickly. As I recall, someone was coming down the walkway, and we wanted to get out of there before they could get us into trouble.  
****- End Flashback -**

So there's my first day at Hogwarts. I really do leave a nice impression, don't I? I really do make people want to be friends with me, don't I? By the way, those are both rhetorical and sarcastic questions. I already know the answer to both; unequivocally no. I left a horrible impression, and set up my reputation for the rest of my years at Hogwarts; My reputation for being a hateful, arrogant jerk, who wouldn't have something nice to say to the Pope.

I also show my tendency to have an inflated ego. I judged and dissed the Weasleys and thought that I was better than them because my family had more money than they did. I regret ever having those views. It doesn't make you better than someone if you have more money than they do.

**If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
****Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
****If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
****If I could take all the shame to the grave I would  
****If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
****Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
****If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
****I would take all my shame to the grave**

**- Flashback -  
****The Gryffindors were practicing on the Quidditch field, when the Slytherin team and I came onto the field. We needed to practice because I had just joined the team as the seeker, and needed practice. It was a dream come true. I had always wanted to be on the team.**

**We walked onto the field, and the first thing I heard was Oliver Wood yell, "I don't believe it!" He looked really angry. "I booked the field for today! We'll see about this!"**

**Wood shot down to the ground. He looked furious. Harry and the Weasley twins followed.**

**"Flint!" Wood yelled at our captain, Marcus Flint. "This is our practice time! We got it specially! You can clear off now!"**

**Flint replied, " Plenty of room for all of us, Wood!"**

**The Gryffindor's Chasers, all female, had come over.**

**"But I booked the field!" Wood yelled, angrily. "I booked it!"**

**"Ah," Flint said. "But I've got a signed note here from Professor Snape. '_I, Professor S. Snape, give the Slytherin team permission to practice today on the Quidditch field owing to the need to train their new Seeker.'"_**

**"You've got a new Seeker?" asked Wood. "Where?"**

**The other Slytherin players were blocked me from being seen, so I moved out in front.**

**"Aren't you Lucius Malfoy's son?" said one of the Weasley twins. I could never tell which one was which. I didn't care either.**

**"Funny you should mention Draco's father," Flint said, grinning. "Let me show you the generous gift he's made to the Slytherin team."**

**All seven of us held out our broomsticks. They were _Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones_. My father had bought them to secure a place for me on the team.**

**"Very latest model. Only came out last month," Flint bragged. "I believe it outstrips the old Two Thousand series by a considerable amount. As for the old Cleansweeps" - he looked at the Weasley twins, who both had Cleansweep Fives - "sweeps the board with them."**

**The Gryffindors were silenced. None of them seemed to have anything to say.**

**"Oh look," Flint said. "A field invasion."**

**Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were coming across the grass to see what was going on.**

**"What's happening?" Ron asked Harry. "Why aren't you playing? What is he doing here?"**

**He was looking at me.**

**"I'm the new Slytherin Seeker, Weasley," I responded. "Everyone's just admiring the brooms my father's bought our team."**

**I gave them a second to look at them, then said"Good aren't they? But perhaps the Gryffindor team will be able to raise some gold and get new brooms, too. You could raffle off those Cleansweep Fives; I expect a museum would bid for them."**

**My teammates and I laughed.**

**"At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in," Hermione said. "They got in on pure talent."**

**Even then, I think I knew she was right, but I responded in typical Malfoy style. "No one asked your opinion, you filthy little mudblood," I said.**

**There was an instant uproar at what I said. Flint dived in front of me when George and Fred tried to jump on me, one of the Gryffindor Chasers shrieked 'How dare you!' at me, and Ron pulled out his wand, yelling, "You'll pay for that one, Malfoy!" then pointed it at me. A jet of green light shot out of the wrong end of Ron's wand. His spell had backfired on him due to his old, split-in-half, Spellotaped wand. He landed on the ground, taken aback by the force of the spell. He was actually lucky the spell backfired on him. Who knows what my father would have done? All I know is it would not have been pretty.  
- ****End Flashback -**

Yet another example that shows how I lived my life then. How horrible I was then. Hermione was right – I did ensure my spot on the team by buying my way in. Well, my father bought my way in. I wish he hadn't. I mean, I loved being on the team. It was one of the best things in my life, despite my dad's constant yelling when I didn't win. I just wonder if I could have made it onto the team on talent alone. I realize now it was wrong to buy my way onto the team.

I also realize my errors in my treatment of Hermione. I realize that I'm not better than her just because she is muggleborn. She was actually smarter than I was in more than one way. She was smarter than I was academically. She was constantly getting better marks than I was. That angered my father to no end. He was constantly yelling at me for it. She was also smarter than I was with her friendships. She chose friends who actually cared about her, while I ended up with friends who just liked me for my status in school or my wealth. When my mother died, none of my friends cared enough to owl me to find out if I was okay. I bet Hermione's friends would do that. Hermione is also smarter with how she treats people. She treats everyone with decency, no matter who they are. I treated most people horribly. She's probably better off than I am. I just wished I could have realized what a mistake I was making in the way I lived my life sooner. I think it could have made my life quite a bit better.

**It's easier to run  
****Replacing the pain with something numb  
****It's so much easier to go  
****Than face all this pain here all alone**

**- Flashback -  
****I was in Care of Magical Creatures with the rest of the Slytherins and the Gryffindors. It was shortly after Hagrid's hippogriff, Buckbeak had been sentenced to death after hurting my arm. Hagrid was the teacher. Hagrid was conducting a lesson, when he ran back to his cabin, crying into his handkerchief.**

**"Look at him blubber," I said, laughing.**

**I was now standing just inside the castle with Crabbe and Goyle, listening.**

**Have you ever seen anything quite as pathetic?" I said to Crabbe and Goyle. "And he's supposed to be our teacher."**

**"Potter and Weasley both made moves to hurt me, but, surprisingly, Hermione got there first. She slapped me straight across the face. I staggered backwards due to the shock and the strength of the blow. For a woman, she could sure smack someone pretty hard. Ron, Harry, Crabbe and Goyle all looked pretty shocked.**

**"Don't you dare call Hagrid pathetic, you foul – you evil-" Hermione yelled, raising her hand to slap me again.**

**"Hermione!" Ron said, obviously shocked by Hermione's actions. He tried to grab her hand as she swung it back.**

**"Get off, Ron!" yelled Hermione, still about to hit me. Ron obviously had no effect on her. She was still as determined as ever to hurt me. She pulled out her wand. I stepped backward. Crabbe and Goyle looked at me, wondering what to do. I knew there was one thing for us to do, as much as I hated being a coward for doing it. We had to just leave.**

**"C'mon," I muttered to Crabbe and Goyle. We then went into the dungeon.  
- ****End Flashback -**

And I show more and more what a horrible, mean guy I was. I mean, honestly, can I have been any worse? First of all, for the record, the whole incident with the hippogriff was my fault. I provoked Buckbeak to hurt me by insulting him. I was an idiot then. Actually, I was an idiot throughout most of school.

Second of all, Hagrid had every right to be upset. I was just being an uncaring total and complete jerk, like usual.

Finally, what was up with Hermione slapping me? I totally did not expect that. I mean, I get why she did it and looking back I totally deserved it. I'm just shocked she had the nerve to do that. I guess everyone has a boiling point.

**Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
****Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
****Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
****And never moving forward so there'd never be a past**

**- Flashback -  
****I was at the Quidditch World Cup. It was the night that the Quidditch game had been played. There was a ton of chaos present. I had a little bit of knowledge as to what was going on, but I didn't know everything, so I left my tent to find out what was going on. My father wasn't there. I knew he wouldn't be. I knew he had something to do with the chaos. After I left, I ran into Harry, Hermione and Ron who were trying to figure out what was going on.**

**"Tripped over a tree root," I heard Ron Weasley say.**

**"Well, with feet that size, hard not to," I said, laughing.**

**They noticed I was standing there and turned toward me. Ron cursed at me.**

**Then I said, "Language, Weasley. Hadn't you better be hurrying along, now? You wouldn't like here spotted, would you?" I nodded at Hermione, and as I did that a flash of green light momentarily lit the trees in the area where I was.**

**"What's that supposed to mean?" said Hermione, defiantly. She obviously didn't get what I meant.**

**"Granger," I said laughing. "They're after muggles. D'you really want to be showing off in midair? Because if you do, hang around... they're moving this way, and it would give us all a laugh."**

**"Hermione's a witch," Harry said angrily to me.**

**"Have it your own way, Potter," I said. "If you think they can't spot a mudblood, stay where you are."**

**"You watch your mouth!" Ron shouted at me.**

**"Never mind, Ron," Hermione said quickly, trying to keep him from hurting me.**

**"There was a loud bang from the other side of the trees. Everyone near me screamed. It didn't really scare me. I'd heard too many loud bangs and other noises in my life for that to truly scare me. Plus, what with the flashes of green light earlier, I kind of expected to hear something.**

**"Scare easily, don't they?" I said. "I suppose your daddy told you all to hide? What's he up to – trying to rescue the muggles?"**

**"Where're your parents? Harry asked. I could tell he was getting angry. "Out there wearing masks, are they?"**

**"Oh come on," Hermione said with a disgusted look at me. "Let's go and find the others."**

**"Keep that big bushy head down, Granger," I sneered.**

**"Come on," nagged Hermione again, and she, Ron and Harry disappeared up the path again.  
- ****End Flashback -**

First, going to the Quidditch World Cup was really awesome, despite the fact that I got to go to a lot of stuff like that. I mean, I was lucky; my family could afford to go to a lot of stuff like that. Ron's family couldn't. I still think that it was awesome being able to go to the Quidditch World Cup. I loved watching Quidditch almost as much as I liked playing it. It's the only thing I actually miss from the wizarding world. It used to be one of the only things that kept me sane.

I also know something else. Harry was right. My father was one of the people wearing masks. My mother wasn't though. She was back at the tent, still asleep. She could sleep through anything. She was also smart enough not to join in everything my father did.

As for the comments I made about Hermione, they're your typical Malfoy hate comments. Most of my family hates muggles and muggleborns. We always have. Always will. Well, except for me. I changed my mind.

**If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
****Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
****If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
****If I could take all the shame to the grave I would  
****If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
****Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
****If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
****I would take all my shame to the grave**

**- Flashback -  
****I was heading to the dining hall for dinner. I joined the long line of people queuing for dinner in the entrance hall. Crabbe and Goyle were standing in line with me. I also saw Harry, Hemione and Ron standing in line with some of their Gryffindor friends. I decided, as usual, that I was going to belittle and tease Ron.**

**"Weasley! Hey Weasley!" I yelled. Harry, Hermione and Ron turned to face Crabbe, Goyle and I.**

**"What?" Ron said, brusquely.**

**"Your dad's in the paper, Weasley!" I, said holding up a copy of the _Daily Prophet_. I spoke very loudly so everyone in the the entrance hall could hear me. "Listen to this!**

"**_Further Mistakes at the Ministry of Magic  
_****_It seems as though the Ministry of Magic's troubles are not yet at an end, _writes Rita Skeeter, Special Correspondent._ Recently under fire for its poor crowd control at the Quidditch World Cup and still unable to account for the disappearance of one of its witches, the Ministry was plunged into fresh embarrassment yesterday by the antics of Arnold Weasley of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office._**

**"Imagine them not even getting his name right, Weasley. It's almost as though he's a complete nonentity, isn't it?" I said looking up from my newspaper. I straightened the paper and read on:**

**_"Arnold Weasley, who was charged with possession of a flying car two years ago, was yesterday involved in a tussle with several muggle lawkeepers ('policemen') over a number of highly aggressive dustbins. Mr. Weasley appears to have rushed to the aid of 'Mad-Eye' Moody, the aged ex-Auror who retired from the Ministry when no longer able to tell the difference between a handshake and attempted murder. Unsurprisingly, Mr Weasley found, upon arrival at Mr. Moody's heavily guarded house, that Mr Moody had once again raised a false alarm. Mr. Weasley was forced to modify several memories before he could escape the policemen, but refused to answer _Daily Prophet_ questions about why he involved the Ministry in such an undignified and potentially embarrassing scene."_**

**"And there's a picture, Weasley!" I said, flipping the paper over and holding it up. "A picture of your parents outside their house – if you can call it a house! Your mother could do with losing a bit of weight, couldn't she?"**

**Ron looked really angry and his ears were red. Everyone was staring at him, waiting for some sort of reaction from him.**

**"Get stuffed, Malfoy," Harry said. "C'mon Ron..."**

**"Oh yeah, you were staying with them this summer, weren't you, Potter?" I sneered. "So tell me, is his mother really that porky, or is it just the picture?"**

**"You know your mother, Malfoy?" Harry said – he and Hermione had grabbed the back of Ron's robes to keep him from launching himself at me. "That expression she's got, like she's got dung under her nose? Has she always looked like that or was it just because you were with her?"**

**I said angrily, "Don't you dare insult my mother, Potter."**

**"Keep your fat mouth shut, then," Harry said.**

**BANG! I shot a spell at Harry – I don't even remember what spell I was trying to do, but it missed. Harry immediately reached into his robes for his wand. He was probably going to some sort of spell to counter the one I had tried to cast earlier. I don't know and I won't ever know, because before he could cast any kind of spell, I was turned into a white ferret. Despite the small size of a ferret, they can actually see and hear pretty well. I saw Mr. Moody. He was the one who turned me into a ferret. He was holding a wand in his hand, and was pointing it at me.**

**"Oh no you don't, laddie!" I heard Moody say. He asked Harry, "Did he get you?"**

**"No," Harry replied. "Missed."**

**"Leave it!" shouted Moody.**

**"Leave – what?" Harry asked, confused.**

**"Not you – him!" Moody growled. He pointed at Crabbe who was just about to pick me up and get me out of the ridiculous situation I had gotten into. Crabbe froze in place.**

**I decided to run for it. I gave a terrified squeak and ran for the dungeons.**

**Before I got there, Moody yelled, "I don't think so!" He pointed his wand at me and I went flying upwards ten feet into the air. I fell with a smack to the floor, and then bounced upward once more.**

**"I don't like people who attack when their opponent's back's turned," Moody growled. I was still bouncing, higher and higher. "Stinking, cowardly, scummy thing to do..."**

**I flew through the air, knowing I could do nothing to get out of the situation I was in.**

**"Never – do – that – again -" Moody said, as I hit the cold, hard stone floor after each word he spoke.**

**"Professor Moody!" I heard a shocked voice say. It was Professor McGonagall, coming down the stairs, her arms full of books.**

**"Hello, Professor McGonagall," Moody said, calmly, still bouncing me higher and higher.**

**"What – What are you doing?" asked Professor McGonagall as I bounced even higher.**

**"Teaching," responded Moody. Teaching? Yeah right. More like he was trying to kill me!**

**"Teach – Moody, is that a student?" McGonagall shrieked, the books spilling out of her arms.**

**"Yep," said Moody.**

**"No!" cried Professor McGonagall, running down the stairs and pulling out her wand. She pointed her wand at me, and a moment later, I was back to my normal self – no longer a ferret. I was lying on the floor in a heap. I got to my feet, wincing from the enormous amount of pain that I was experiencing from being bounce on the floor.**

**"Moody, we never use transfiguration as a punishment!" Professor McGonagall said weakly. "Surely Professor Dumbledore told you that?"**

**"He might've mentioned it, yeah," Moody said, unconcernedly. "But I thought a good sharp shock-"**

**"We give detention, Moody! Or speak to the offender's Head of House!"**

**"I'll do that, then," said Moody, staring at me with great dislike.**

**I was in pain and I was humiliated and angry. I muttered to Moody, "Wait until I tell my father. You won't know what hit you." It was an attempt to scare him. But it was to no avail. He wasn't scared at all.**

**"Oh yeah?" Moody said quietly, limping forward a few steps. "Well, I know your father of old, boy... You tell him Moody's keeping a close eye on his son... you tell him that from me... Now, your Head of House'll be Snape, will it?"**

**"Yes," I said, resentfully.**

**"Another old friend," Moody growled. "I've been looking forward to a chat with old Snape... Come on, you..."**

**I got marched off towards the dungeons by Moody. Snape let me off the hook, though.**

**For the rest of the day, most of my body hurt. I considered going to Madam Pomfrey for some sort of potion to ease pain, but I had too much pride, so I decided against it. By the time I was ready to go to sleep, about 1:00 in the morning, the only pain left was the pain in my back. I had the pain in my back for the next couple of days.  
****- End Flashback -**

I was always mean to Ron for one reason – he and his family were poor, so I had felt that they were beneath me. They aren't. I've realized something, though. Money isn't really what matters the most. Love matter more, and let me tell you, from what I see the Weasleys are doing much better in that category. Their family is very close-knit and they love each other very much. My family isn't very loving with the exception of my mom. I never saw my uncles, aunts, cousins, or grandparents growing up, except for on rare occasions. Plus most of them were Deatheaters, so that showed they weren't exactly the must caring or loving people. My own father doesn't really care about me, especially now that I have chosen a different path than he wanted me to.

As for the comment Harry said about my mom, I sorta deserved it after insulting Ron's mother. It still doesn't take away from the hurt and the anger I felt when he insulted her. She was the one person in my family who actually cared about me. If people want to know one easy way to make me really angry and hurt, then they should insult my mother. Looking back, I'm actually glad that whatever spell I was trying to hit Harry with missed. That's one less bad thing I've done. I mean, really, have I actually done anything good? I can't think of anything.

I don't think I deserved what Moody did to me. I mean, honestly, I'm not surprised it turned out to be a Deatheater in disguise. That was a really evil, twisted and maniacal thing to do. That was probably some of the worst pain I have been in, and I've been hit with the Cruciatus Curse before. My father used it quite a few time when I disappointed him. When I lost a Quidditch match or didn't get a high enough grade in a class, or didn't do something else I was supposed to do, I could expect to hear "Crucio" being shouted and feel a sharp pain in my body like a hundred knives stabbing me all over. The last time I had the curse put on me was when I told my father I wasn't going to become a Deatheater. I got it put on me no less than five times that day. It makes me cold to think about.

One final thing about myself when I was younger is my strong sense of pride. I practically made myself suffer through a whole lot of pain just because I was to stubborn to admit to someone that I was in pain and let them help me. And, actually, pride has been the cause of most of my problems. My problems have also had to do with the fact that I had a huge overinflated ego when I was younger.

**Just washing it aside  
****All of the hopelessness inside  
****Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
****Is so much simpler than change**

**- Flashback -  
****I was heading to potions class. Ron, Hermione and Harry were nearby. As usual, I was bragging about something.**

**"Yeah, Umbridge gave the Slytherin Quidditch team permission to continue playing straight away, I went to her first thing this morning. Well it was pretty much automatic, I mean, she knows my father really well, he's always popping in and out of the Ministry... It'll be interesting to see whether Gryffindor are allowed to keep playing, won't it?" I said.**

**"Don't rise," I heard Hermione whisper to Ron and Harry, who both had their fists clenched at me.**

**"I mean," I said, knowing fulling well what I was about to say was going to make people really angry, and make it more likely I was going to get hit. "If it's a question of influence with the Ministry, I don't think they've got much chance... From what my father says, they've been looking for an excuse to sack Arthur Weasley for years... And as for Potter... My father says it's only a matter of time before the Ministry has him carted off to St. Mungo's... apparently they've got a special ward for people whose brains have been addled by magic..."**

**I made a grotesque face, trying to imitate what I thought the face of someone's mind that had been damaged by magic would look like. Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy laughed.**

**A split second later, Nevile had collided with Harry's shoulder. I realized immediately that he was heading straight for me.**

**"Neville, no!" Harry yelled.**

**Harry leapt forward and seized the back of Neville's robes. Neville was struggling frantically, desperately trying to hit me. I was actually rather shocked.**

**"Help me!" yelled Harry at Ron, who managed to get an arm around Neville's neck. He dragged him backwards away from me and the rest of the Slytherins. Crabbe and Goyle were standing in front of me flexing their arms, ready to defend me if Neville somehow got loose and was able to come after me. Ron ran forward and grabbed Neville's arms. He and Harry had succeeded in dragging Neville back to the Gryffindor line. Neville's face was bright red, not just from anger, but also the enormous amount of pressure Harry was exerting on his neck. Neville was trying to say say something, but due to the pressure on his throat he wasn't very comprehensible and couldn't string together a sentence.**

**The only part I could understand of what he was saying was "Not... funny... don't... Mungo's... show... him..."  
****- End Flashback -**

And we see more of the inflated ego I had when I was younger. Bragging was part of it. I was always bragging about something – being rich, being on the Quidditch team or getting good grades. I even bragged about being in Slytherin, although why I would, I don't know. Looking back with new insight, Slytherin wasn't so great. Practically everyone who comes out of there ends up evil, except for my mom. I can't even say I'm not evil, looking back on what I've done in my past.

I was also really dumb when I was younger. I had no common sense whatsoever. I mean, honestly, most people wouldn't say something if they knew it was possibly going to make someone angry enough to hit them, but I went ahead, fully aware of what I was doing.

I also completely understand why Neville was angry. I didn't know why at the time; but I found out last year that his parents' minds had been permanently damaged by magic. I'm pretty sure you know what happened to Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom, so I'm not going to elaborate. I can also sympathize with why he was angry. I also get angry when someone insults my parents. Well, actually just my mom. I don't really care if people insult my father. He deserves it, if you ask me.

Last thing, I am not currently dating Pansy. I haven't even spoken to her since this year ended. To tell the truth, she never was a very good girlfriend. I couldn't talk to her about anything, really. She didn't care about me at all. The only reason she was dating me was because I was rich and was good looking – it would look good for her to be dating me. She, like all of my other 'friends', didn't even owl me after my mother died to check on me.

**It's easier to run  
****Replacing this pain with something numb  
****It's so much easier to go  
****Than face all this pain here all alone**

**- Flashback -  
****Professor Dumbledore and Harry were traveling down the corridor, when Dumbledore wordlessly immobilized Harry. In the second Dumbledore took to immobilize Harry, he was vulnerable and unable to defend himself. I used this to my advantage, disarming Dumbledore.**

**Dumbledore did not look panicked or distressed at all. He merely looked across the corridor at me and said, "Good evening, Draco."**

**I stepped forward, glancing around quickly to check that no one else was there besides Dumbledore and I. I saw the second broom. I thought Harry was further back in the corridor.**

**"Who else is here?" I asked, looking around to see who was there.**

**"A question I might ask you. Or are you acting alone?" asked Dumbledore.**

**"No," I replied. "I've got backup. There are Deatheaters here in your school tonight."**

**"Well, well. Very good indeed. You found a way to let them in, did you?"**

**"Yeah. Right under your nose and you never realized!" I said, bragging**

**"Ingenious. Yet... forgive me... where are they now. You seem unsupported."**

**"They met some of your guards. They're having a fight down below. They won't be long... I came on ahead. I – I've got a job to do."**

**"Well, then, you must get on and do it my dear boy."**

**I stared at Albus Dumbledore who was incredibly, smiling. I mean, surely he knew what my 'job' was. In the distance, I could hear the fighting between the guards and the Deatheaters.**

**"Draco, Draco, you are not a killer," Dumbledore said, knowingly.**

**"How do you know?" I said too quickly. I knew he might be right. I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to be able to complete my 'job'. But, I had to. I was going to die if I didn't. "You don't know what I'm capable of. You don't know what I've done!"**

**"Oh yes, I do. You almost killed Katie Bell and Ronald Weasley. You have been, with increasing desperation, to kill me all year. Forgive me, Draco, but they have been feeble attempts... So feeble, to be honest, that I wonder whether your heart has been really in it."**

**"It has been it it! I've been working on it all year, and tonight-"**

**I stopped mid-sentence, distracted by the muffled yell below that I heard. I glanced over my shoulder.**

**"Somebody is putting up a good fight," Dumbledore said. "But as you were saying... yes, you have managed to introduce Deatheaters into my school, which, I admit, I though impossible... How did you do it?"**

**I said nothing. I was focusing on the fight that was occurring below. I heard him, though. I hear everything.**

**"Perhaps you ought to get on with the job alone," Dumbledore suggested. "What if your backup has been thwarted by my guard? As you have perhaps realized, there are members of the Order of Phoenix here tonight too. And after all, you don't really need help... I have no wand at the moment... I cannot defend myself."**

**I just stared at him.**

**"I see," Dumbledore said, when I neither moved nor spoke. "You are afraid to act until they join you."**

**"I'm not afraid!" I said quickly. "It's you who should be scared!"**

**"But why? I don't think you will kill me, Draco. Killing is not nearly as easy as the innocent believe... So tell me, while we wait for your friends... how did you smuggle them in here? It seems to have taken you a long time to work out how to do it."**

**I was extremely nervous, and I actually felt like talking. I said, "I had to mend that broken Vanishing Cabinet that no one's used for years. The one Montague got lost in last year."**

**"Aaah. That was clever. There is a pair I take it."**

**"In Borgin and Burkes, and they make a kind of passage between them. Montague told me that when he was stuck in the Hogwarts one, he was trapped in limbo but sometimes he could hear what was going on at school, and sometimes what was going on in the shop, as if the cabinet was traveling between them, but he couldn't make anyone hear him... In the end, he managed to apparate out, even though he'd never passed his test. He nearly died doing it. Everyone thought it was a really good story, but I was the only one who realized what it meant – even Borgin didn't know – I was the one who realized there could be a way into Hogwarts if I fixed the broken one."**

**"Very good. So the Deatheaters were able to pass from Borgin and Burkes into the school to help... A clever plan, a very clever plan... and, as you say, right under my nose."**

**"Yeah. Yeah, it was!"**

**"But there were times, weren't there, when you were not sure you would succeed in mending the cabinet? And you resorted to crude and badly judged measures such as sending me a cursed necklace that was bound to reach the wrong hands... poisoning mead there was only the slightest chance I might drink..."**

**"Yeah, well you still didn't realize who was behind that stuff, did you?"**

**"As a matter of fact, I did. I was sure it was you."**

**"Why didn't you stop me, then?"**

**"I tried, Draco. Professor Snape has been keeping watch over you on my orders-"**

**"He hasn't been doing your orders, he promised my mother-"**

**"Of course that is what he would tell you Draco, but-"**

**"He's a double agent, you stupid old man, he isn't working for you, you just think he is!"**

**"We must agree to differ on that, Draco. It so happens that I trust Professor Snape-"**

**"Well, you're losing your grip, then! He's been offering me plenty of help – wanting all the glory for himself – wanting a bit of the action – 'What are you doing?' 'Did you do the necklace, that was stupid, it could have blown everything-' but I haven't told him what I've been doing in the Room of Requirement, he's going to wake up tomorrow and it'll be all over and he won't be the Dark Lord's favorite anymore, he'll be nothing compared to me, nothing!"**

**"Very gratifying. We all like appreciation for our own hard work, of course. But you must have had an accomplice, all the same... someone in Hogsmeade, someone who was able to slip Katie the – the – aaaah... of course... Rosmerta. How long has she been under the Imperious Curse?"**

**"Got there at last, have you?"**

**I heard another yell from below, and glanced over my shoulder again, then looked at Dumbledore, who went on: "So poor Rosmerta was forced to lurk in her own bathroom and pass that necklace to any Hogwarts student who entered the room unaccompanied? And the poisoned mead... well naturally, Rosmerta was able to poison it for you before she sent the bottle to Slughorn, believing it was to be my Christmas present... Yes, very neat... very neat... Poor Filch would not, of course, think to check a bottle of Rosmerta's. Tell me, how have you been communicating with Rosmerta? I thought we had all methods of communication in and out of the school monitored."**

**"Enchanted coins," I said. I was still very nervous and my wand hand was shaking. "I had one and she had the other, and I could send her messages-"**

**"Isn't that the secret method of communication the group that called themselves Dumbledore's Army used last year?" Dumbledore asked.**

**"Yeah, I got the idea from them, I got the idea of poisoning the mead from the mudblood Granger as well, I heard her talking in the library about Filch not recognizing potions."**

**"Please do not use that offensive word in front of me."**

**"You care about me saying 'mudblood' when I'm about to kill you?"**

**"Yes, I do. But as for being about to kill me, Draco, you have had several long minutes now, we are quite alone, I am more defenseless than you can have dreamed of finding me, and still you have not acted... Now about tonight. I am a little puzzled about how it happened... You knew that I had left the school? But of course," he answered his own question, 'Rosmerta saw me leaving, she tipped you off using your ingenious coins, I'm sure."**

**"That's right," I said. "But she said you were just going for a drink, you'd be back..."**

**"Well I certainly did have drink... and I came back... after a fashion. So you decided to spring a trap for me?"**

**"We decided to put the Dark Mark over the tower and get you to hurry up here, to see who'd been killed. And it worked!"**

**"Well... yes and no... But am I to take, then that nobody has been murdered?"**

**"Someone's dead. One of your people. I don't know who, it was dark... I stepped over the body... I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way..."**

**"Yes, they do that."**

**The fighting was as loud as ever. They were fighting on the spiral staircase leading to where Dumbledore and I were standing.**

**"There is little time, one way or another," Dumbledore said. "So let us discuss your options, Draco."**

**"My options!" I said. "I'm standing her with a wand – I'm about to kill you-"**

**"My dear boy, let us have no more pretense about that. If you were going to kill me, you would have done it when you first disarmed me, you would not have stopped for this pleasant chat about ways and means."**

**"I haven't got any options! I've got to do it! He'll kill me! He'll kill my whole family!"**

**"I appreciate the difficulty of your position. Why else do you think I have not confronted you before now? Because I knew that you would have been murdered if Lord Voldemort realized that I suspected you. I did not dare speak to you of the mission with which I knew you had been entrusted, in case he had used Legilimency against you. But now at last we can speak plainly to each other... No harm has been done, you have hurt nobody, though you are very lucky that your unintended victims survived... I can help you, Draco."**

**"No you can't. Nobody can. He told me to do it or he'll kill me. I've got no choice."**

**"He cannot kill you if you are already dead. Come over to the right side, Draco, and we can hide you more completely than you can possibly imagine. What is more, I can send members of the Order to your mother tonight to hide her likewise. Nobody would be surprised that you have died in your attempt to kill me – forgive me, but Lord Voldemort probably expects it. Nor would the Deatheaters be surprised that we had captured and killed your mother – it is what they would do themselves, after all. Your father is safe at the moment in Azkaban... When the time comes, we can protect him too. Come over to the right side, Draco... you are not a killer..."**

**"But I got this far, didn't I? They thought I'd die in the attempt, but I'm here... and you're in my power... I'm the one with the wand... You're at my mercy..."**

**"No, Draco. It is my mercy and not yours that matters now."**

**I was shocked. I couldn't speak. I realized how right he was. I decided I was going to drop my wand, and take Dumbledore up on his offer-**

**But then, four people dressed in black robes had came up the stairs, burst through the doors, and shoved me out of their way. The Deatheaters had won the fight below.**

**"Dumbledore cornered!" a man said. I recognized him. He had eaten lunch at the Manor many times. The man turned to his sister, a vile, evil woman who I also recognized. She was grinning eagerly. "Dumbledore wandless, Dumbledore alone! Well done, Draco, well done!"**

**"Good evening, Amycus," Dumbledore said, calmly. "And you've brought Alecto too... Charming..."**

**"Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed then?" the woman asked, tauntingly.**

**"Jokes? No, no, these are manners," replied Dumbledore.**

**"Do it," said someone that my mother was horrified to let in our house. He had matted gray hair and whiskers. He smelled strongly of a mixture of dirt, sweat and blood. He had long yellow nails. Even then, he disgusted me.**

**"Is that you, Fenrir?" Dumbledore asked.**

**"That's right, " Fenrir replied, smiling. "Pleased to see me, Dumbledore?"**

**"No, I cannot say I am."**

**Fenrir grinned, showing ugly, pointed, blood-stained teeth. Blood trickled down his chin, probably from his last meal.**

**"But you know how much I like kids, Dumbledore."**

**"Am I to take it that you are attacking even without the full moon now? This is most unusual... You have developed a taste for human flesh that cannot be satisfied once a month?"**

**"That's right. Shocks you doesn't it, Dumbledore? Frightens you?"**

**"Well, I cannot pretend it does not disgust me a little. And, yes I am a little shocked that Draco here invited you, of all people, into the school where his friends live..."**

**"I didn't," I said. I could barely even stand to look at Fenrir. "I didn't know he was going to come-"**

**"I wouldn't want to miss a trip to Hogwarts, Dumbledore. Not when there are throats to be ripped out... Delicious, delicious..." Fenrir said. He raised a fingernail and picked his front teeth. "I could do you for afters, Dumbledore."**

**"No," the fourth Deatheater said sharply. I recognized him too. "We've got orders. Draco's got to do it. Now, Draco and quickly."**

**I think I knew at that point that I couldn't do it; I couldn't kill him. I was not a killer.**

**"He's not long for this world anyway, if you ask me!" said Amycus. Alecto was laughing as he said it. "Look at him – what's happened to you then, Dumby?"**

**"Oh, weaker resistance, slower reflexes, Amycus," Dumbledore said. "Old age, in short... One day, perhaps, it will happen to you... if you are lucky..."**

**"What's that mean, then, what's that mean?" Amycus yelled, violently. "Always the same, weren't yeh, Dumby, talking and doing nothing, nothing. I don't even know why the Dark Lord's bothering to kill yer. Come on, Draco, do it!"**

**At that moment, I heard someone below yell, "They've blocked the stairs – Reducto! Reducto!"**

**Apparently the Deatheaters had not managed to defeat all the opposition. They had just fought their way through, made a barrier, and come to the tower.**

**"Now, Draco, quickly!" the last Deatheater said angrily.**

**But my wand hand was shaking so badly that I could barely aim. I couldn't do it.**

**"I'll do it," Fenrir snarled. He moved closer to Dumbledore, ready to attack.**

**"I said no!" the other Deatheater yelled. He aimed his wand at Fenrir. There was a flash of light, and Fenrir had been thrown back several feet.**

**"Draco, do it or stand aside so one of us -" Alecto screeched at me, but at that moment Snape burst in. He surveyed the scene – Dumbledore, pale as a ghost, the four Deatheaters and me.**

**"We've got a problem, Snape," Amycus said. "The boy doesn't seem able-"**

**Snape said nothing but walked forward and pushed me out of his way. Snape looked at Dumbledore, anger, hatred and revulsion on his face.**

**"Severus... please..." pleaded Dumbledore one last time.**

**"Snape raised his wand, pointed it at Dumbledore and yelled, "Avada Kedavra!"**

**A jet of green light shot Dumbledore straight in the chest. Dumbledore slowly fell backwards and out of sight off the staircase.**

**A few minutes later, Snape, the other Deatheaters and I left, escaping through the Vanishing Cabinet. We arrived at Borgin and Burkes. The Deatheaters all went their separate ways. Snape and I stayed together, going into hiding.  
****- End Flashback -**

I think I knew from the beginning that I was not going to conplete my 'job'. I was simply not a killer. Oh sure, I was smart enough to concoct a plan of action for getting Dumbledore in a vulnerable position so I could kill him, but I just couldn't kill him. I couldn't kill a fellow human being. I didn't have it in me.

The scene where I almost dropped my wand? That was real. I really would have dropped my wand and surrendered. It was the closest I came to actually being a decent human being.

Fenrir truly did disgust me. There's two kinds of people that are werewolves: People like Fenrir, most unusual, who actually enjoy being a werewolf, because it means that they can cause even more pain and hurt, and people like my former teacher, Professor Lupin, who hate being a werewolf and don't want to cause any pain to others. A lot of people are prejudiced against werewolves; werewolves have a lot of trouble getting jobs. For example, Professor Lupin was forced to resign from teaching at Hogwarts when people found out he was a werewolf, and he was one of the best people to ever teach Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. Fenrir's attitude towards being a werewolf just adds to the prejudice. He's exactly what the stereotype of werewolves is.

I wasn't surprised that Snape killed Dumbledore. He's an evil, evil man. He was pretending that he had gone over to the good side the entire time he taught at Hogwarts. He's just a really good actor. He stayed on Dumbledore's good side just to avoid imprisonment in Azkaban.

I found out later on when Snape and I were hiding what one of the reasons why he killed Dumbledore was. My mother had made him promise that if I was unable to kill Dumbledore, that he would. They had performed an Unbreakable Vow. My mother knew me well enough that she thought I'd not be able to kill Dumbledore. She also wanted to lessen the possible punishment for myself for not being able to kill Dumbledore by making sure that someone else would do my 'job'. She showed loyalty to me.

So, let me continue with what happened following Dumbledore's death. Snape and I, of course went into hiding, as I said before. After two and a half months, we were caught. The trial took place a week later. Snape was sentenced to a life sentence in Azkaban. I, however, did not get any punishment for my crime – using the Imperious Curse, an Unforgivable Curse, on a fellow human. This was due to my age – 16, a minor, and my father's influence. Despite the fact that he was a Deatheater who had tortured and killed several people, he was still somewhat respected – He was a former Ministry of Magic official and he was rich. The rich and powerful get away with everything.

After the trial, I came home to find out about my mother's present condition – she had cancer and was going to die. You know the whole story; I told you earlier.

Anyways, I returned to school that September. I had one goal, get in, finish my final year at Hogwarts and get out. I had no future plans. I was extremely quiet in school and kept to myself mostly. In June, I graduated and told my father to get lost. You already know what followed. I spoke of it earlier. I'm just bringing it full circle, and telling the whole story, if not in an odd order.

**It's easier to run  
****If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
****Retrace every wrong move that I made  
****It's easier to go  
****Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
****If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
****I would take all my shame to the grave**

**Epilogue (General POV)  
**An hour after this reflection, Draco Malfoy was found dead. He was 18. He had written a note addressed 'to whom it may concern'. He then put a silencing spell on his bedroom. He then shot himself in the head with a twenty gauge shotgun. It is suspected that he did this immediately following writing this reflection on his life and the choices he had made. He was found less than an hour later. Ministry of Magic officials had come to arrest him for using the silencing spell. They knocked and got no answer. They knocked three more times and got no answer each time, so they performed the Alohomora spell. They found him dead with the gun in his hand and the suicide note next to him. Here is the suicide note:

_To whom it may concern:  
__To all those I may have hurt in the past with my words and actions: I am sorry. I sincerely regret everything I've done. I just wish that it could have been different; I wish that I had been different. I know I can't make up for everything I've done by saying "I'm sorry," but it's a start. I recognize that the beliefs about people I held before were wrong. I hated certain people and treated them badly for no other reason than age-old prejudices that many people in my family have always held. That isn't good enough reason. I have no personal reason to hate them.  
__As I've said before, I wish things could've been different. I wish that I could go back and change everything I've done. I wish I could take back all the pain I've caused. I realize that no matter how much I want to erase the past, I can't. I can't make it so that everything that I've done to hurt people didn't happen. All I can do is express regret for my past.  
__I can't change what people think of me. I can only hope that people will eventually forgive me for all the hurt I've caused. Nothing I do or say will change the bad reputation I've gained over the years. Nothing!  
__I also realize that some, if not most, people will believe that I haven't changed; That I'm just pretending to regret all I've done; That I'm just trying to make them fall for some sort of trick. Well, it's not true. I really have changed and I truly do regret what I've done. I just hope that someday everyone will see that this isn't an act; I've really changed.  
__I think it'd be better for everyone if I wasn't around anymore. I've made too many mistakes, and I don't deserve to be here anymore. Even if I changed my ways and lived the rest of my life the best I could, I'd still be haunted by my past.  
__It ends now. By the time you read this letter, I will be dead. I have one request, however: Please try to remember me as I am now – regretful and changed, not who I was – mean, prejudiced and cruel. Goodbye.  
__Sincerely yours,  
__Draco Malfoy_

When people heard of the news, the reactions were mixed. Some were shocked; Some had seen his downhill path and weren't surprised; Some were surprised by the way he had committed suicide. They were shocked to learn of the muggle way he had ended his life. They had known of his complete hatred of muggles and muggleborns. They realized that this wasn't true anymore. His father didn't even care that he had died. There wasn't even a funeral held. He was just quietly buried in a cemetery, with a simple plaque over his grave.

The fact was that suicide wasn't the best answer to Draco's problems. He felt like he had done too many things wrong in his life, and he couldn't start over and make things right. He felt like this was the best answer. It wasn't. It never is. Nothing somebody can do wrong is worth taking their own life. So many people don't realize this. If anyone considers taking their own life, they should talk to someone. There's too many good things to live for.

_**Credits:  
**__**Song lyrics – "Easier to Run" by Linkin Park  
**__**Flashback 1 – Pages 108-109 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone  
**__**Flashback 2 – Pages 152-155 of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  
**__**Flashback 3 – Page 293 of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban  
**__**Flashback 4 – Pages 121-123 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire  
**__**Flashback 5 – Pages 202-207 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire  
**__**Flashback 6 – Pages 360-362 of Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix  
**__**Flashback 7 – Pages 745-759 of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince**_

_**Bonus Knowledge:  
**__**The gun that Draco used to shoot himself (twenty gauge shotgun) was the same kind that Kurt Cobain used to kill himself.  
**_

**THE END**


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